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Man limbers up for 2 months bullshitting about Ashes

A Retford man was said to be as ready as he could be for the forthcoming Ashes series, despite having a very limited grasp about even quite basic cricketing concepts, it was confirmed today.

Peter McBride, 48, is said to have prepared even more diligently for this series than the previous 20 that he has lived through in his adult life, having read at least one preview article in the Metro on the way to work this morning, as well as liking on Facebook a continuously looping clip of Mike Gatting’s jaw dropping as Shane Warne spins his first delivery past him in 1993.

‘The Ashes is a one-off, isn’t it, and I think its everyone’s responsibility to understand the history and classic moments of this epic rivalry’, announced McBride rather tentatively to office mates, having never played cricket in his life. ‘Who can forget Headingley in 1981, Botham buying ice creams for everyone from the van in the ground, Freeman Hardy and Willis all steaming in from the Kirkstall Lane end. Brings out the goosebumps just thinking about it, doesn’t it?

‘David Gower in 1991 wafting at that big tiger moth outside his off stump – the insects were awful in Queensland that summer, weren’t they?’, continued McBride, filling up his bottle at the water cooler. ‘Geoff Boycott’s thousandth hundred in 1977, or was it his hundredth thousand? I can’t remember. Spine-tingling stuff. For this series, in the field, its got to be Root at gully, Joseph Cotton for Third Man, and Good King Wenceslas in the Deep Mid-Winter.’

‘Anyone who doesn’t have Test Card Special on pretty much continuously in the background until January needs to take a long hard look at themselves’, argued McBride. ‘Aggers, Cheggers, Chequers and Chess, can’t wait to hear all the gang again. I mean who can forget that classic commentary when when Michael Jerking was opening the batting and Dino Zoff was running in, and Johnners commentated that the batsman’s Jerking, the bowler’s Zoff. Classic stuff.’

Today in GPF History for Thursday, November 23, 2017
Nick reveals to Fooker that, like or not, he's been having sex dreams about Trudy...
Reader’s Digest finally enters porn market

The American publishing giant is to issue abridged versions of porn videos in the easy to digest format that is the company’s hallmark.

‘We’re aiming at the busy client who doesn’t have time to watch the whole movie,’ explains RD executive Mark Sims. ‘Market research has shown that 94 per cent of foreplay footage ends up never being watched. In fact, viewers admit to fast forwarding through anything that doesn’t consist of close-up shots of palpitating genitals’.

Mr Sims is confident of success. ‘Having reduced a masterpiece like War and Peace to fifty pages, we should have no trouble trimming down works such as Lawrence of the Labia or Hedda Gobbler to their essentials without compromising artistic integrity.’

He explains that the DVDs are to be issued in collections bound in imitation leather to make them indistinguishable from the iconic Reader’s Digest Condensed Classics. This should minimise domestic disputes and embarrassment. ‘Your wife will think you’re retiring to your den with our eviscerated version of Jane Eyre, when you’re actually about to treat yourself to two hours of hard-core donkey porn.’

Take The Black Friday

It’s that time of year again friends: Black Friday is upon us and we’ve got a metric ton of stuff for you! So let’s get right to it: 25% off the whole store.* Books, Games, Shirts, you want it, it’s […]

The post Take The Black Friday appeared first on Looking For Group.

Bundesbank-Vorstand: Bitcoin ist kein Geld
Digitalwährungen wie Bitcoin sind aus Sicht der Bundesbank kein Ersatz für Euro, Dollar und Co. „Bitcoin ist kein Geld, sondern ein Spekulationsobjekt“, schrieb Bundesbank-Vorstand Carl-Ludwig Thiele in einem Gastbeitrag für den Ifo-Schnelldienst.
Gonna do my job

What they’re saying

Here’s a few remarks from the Patreon comments section…

“A satisfying ending to that storyline…”

— R.R.

*deep breath*

— C.

“Bravo, Brad! You kept us guessing
until the (very) satisfying climax!
I must say that this was a gambit
of a story that truly paid off
for those who stuck with it.
I’m glad to see our happy couple
still has Fireworx :)”

— M.O.

“You should compile all of these
into an adult coloring book.”

— A.M.

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